Trigger

Words

Trigger.

Music

Trigger.

Scents

Trigger.

Flowers

Trigger.

Dreams

Trigger.

Nightmares

Trigger.

Thoughts

Trigger.

Nails

Trigger. 

Shirt

Trigger. 

Pain

Trigger. 

Intimacy

Trigger. 

City

Trigger. 

Crepes 

Trigger. 

Horoscopes

Trigger. 

Life

Trigger. 

Insanity. Confusion. Limbo. 

Trigger. 

Gun shot. 

Killer. 

Talking to Myself

I want to escape these feelings

I swear the more I ignore them the more they be eatin

Away at my soul and these voices in my head getting louder

It's out of control

If I reach out you start saying why you playing a victim

You think if I could get rid of these feelings I wouldn't evict em?

Like I enjoy feeling broken and under the weather

And my mom hasn't talked to me in what seems like forever

Doors shutting in my face

Where's the comfort I need when I seek it?

I don't know if God left me or was it me that walked away

Tried everything to feel better but it only led me astray

Asking myself questions like if I had a gun would I put it to my head or what I sleep with it

And if I had a razor would I cut deep or would I deal with it

Prescription pills all over my bed stand so if I wanted to I could really just say goodbye

Same way he did but I probably wouldn't be hurting nobody this time 

Cuz these friends around me right now but in a couple months they'll forget my existence 

Love was conditional

Situational

So why would friends be any better

Looking in the mirror like who is she

I can't recognize myself

I look in my eyes and I see remnants of who I used to be

I want you to remember me 

Want you to tell me stories of when I was happy 

Want you to hold my hands and caress me

They say what you love ends up destroying you

I'm already destroyed so what more can love really do?

Maybe this poetry can save me

Or maybe these thoughts gon end up enslaving me

Tied down by these invisible ropes so I don't know where to start cutting 

My legs shackled to this state of mind so how you suggest I start running?

Maybe it was all for nothing

Cuz I know you'll never understand me

You can never really feel me

All you see is a girl with an unhealthy obsession

And if I try explaining it's like I'm talking to myself 

So the voices in my head get even louder

Cuz fuck it, I'm already talking to myself...

What Being Muslim Means to Me

It is hard for many to understand what being Muslim means or what Islam even is especially in the wake of the rise of blatant racism against Muslims. Now disclaimer, I am neither a scholar nor do I consider myself well versed in the Sharia (Islamic laws) or the Sunnah (the life/actions of the Prophet Mohamed peace be upon him).  I’m an American Muslim who is fed up by the media’s bias coverage of Muslims and the misconceptions that are, as a result, perpetuated in society.  

To start, I would like to say that I do not apologize on behalf of others and never will I degrade myself by doing so. I will not apologize for what terrorists have done just because they share the same religion as I do. I will not apologize for being a Muslim, something I am only proud and ever thankful to be. I will not be afraid to voice my unfiltered opinion no matter how unpopular it is in mainstream culture. I will not say “not all Muslims” because it should only be obvious that we are not all one person sharing the same ideology, same as white people are not expected to apologize and condemn the countless acts of violence they have caused around the world and across the ages (America has been at war with Middle Eastern countries for ten plus years, Israel has been occupying and terrorizing Palestinians in their own land while denying them their basic human rights, the slave trade and colonialism has ruined Africa and cheated it of its natural resources, European political groups march in thousands to protest against the existence of Muslims, and let’s not forget racist groups like the KKK and Nazis etc.). Expecting Muslims to apologize and to be on the front lines condemning the actions of terrorists is, quite frankly put, ignorant and racist. The media does not interview random “white scholars” and “white preachers” to condemn the stupidity of individuals within their race and there is no reason why Muslims have to apologize and condemn others within our religion either.

As to what being Muslim means to me….

It means that I do not have to be another victim of society’s pressure, racism and expectations. Islam teaches me to stand up for myself and for those who are being oppressed. It teaches me self-respect and respect of others. Being born a Muslim means I was born a feminist and will forever remain one regardless of the misogyny that exists across cultures. My religion has protected women’s rights hundreds of years before “feminism” was even a coined term. Islam has taught me that in order to succeed I have to not only rely on prayer, but to rely on my own efforts. Being a Muslim means being practical while also making room for faith and prayer in my life. Being a Muslim has taught me to question, question, question before I blindly follow (including in matters of my religion). Being a Muslim means that I view people equally regardless of gender, race, religion, sexuality, nationality etc., because God is the only judge and He sees us from the inside out and not the other way around. Being a Muslim means that I answer to God and not to society. Being Muslim means that it is my responsibility to at least speak out against what is wrong if I cannot change it. Islam teaches me that God is merciful, but he is just, meaning those who wrong others (regardless of their religion) will one day be punished for their actions, whether it is in this lifetime or the next.

Being Muslim is a journey, an identity, an attitude, a path in life that I choose to take because it is what makes the most sense to me. There is no such thing as a perfect Muslim, and we all make mistakes, but the beauty of Islam is that it gives me chance after chance to learn from those mistakes and become a stronger and better individual. It has taken me years to appreciate my religion as I do now and it will take more years for me to improve, but as of now, the above is what being Muslim means to me, Nahla Mohamed Aboutabl. What being Muslim will, without a doubt, mean different things depending on the individual you speak to, but this is my interpretation. The media, racism, terrorists and society in general will not come between me and how I identify myself. I hope that it doesn’t come between you and the understanding of around 2 billion Muslims that share this earth with you either. Always keep in mind that we are individuals before we are a collective group. I mean isn’t that what America is all about anyway? Individuality as opposed to collectivism? Don’t be a communist ;)

And as always, peace and much love to y’all 

Ten Lessons from 2014

I don't have resolutions for 2015 as much as I have lessons I'd like to carry on. Things I've learned over the past year that will not only make 2015 a better year for me, but will stay with me for the rest of my life. 

Lesson One: Never tolerate disrespect. No matter who it's from. A loved one or otherwise. Don't even allow yourself to show yourself disrespect. Meaning take yourself out of bad situations and act in ways where you're least likely to be disrespected. We cannot control others, but we can control our own actions. If you feel disrespected, speak out. Let it be known you will not stand for such treatment but don't wait on people to respect you. Walk away from situations where you feel you're not being treated in the way you deserve. 

Lesson Two: Love is not one sided. Stop yourself from loving someone who won't love you in the same way that you love them. It will cause you lots of pain and in the end they will never see you for what you're worth and you'll never be good enough for them. It's not because you're a bad person. It's because they just won't be blessed enough to see you for who you really are. 

Lesson Three: If someone isn't there for you, and I mean REALLY there for you in your time of need, when you're struggling to find yourself, when you need the most encouragement, they sure as hell don't belong in your life when you've figured it all out. You deserve better than to have seasonal friends, family, lovers. You deserve someone who sees your potential at every moment of your struggles and sticks by you till you've accomplished your goals. Given that you're not a shitty seasonal friend either of course. 

Lesson Four: Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. NEVER forget. You forgive because it helps YOU live a happier life . You don't forget so that YOU never make the same mistakes again and so that YOU never allow whoever wronged you to wrong YOU again. It's all about you honey... Selfish as it is. But you end up in a coffin alone, so you better make right with yourself before you think of others. Forgiving takes away the burden of pain. Not forgetting makes you smarter next time you find yourself in a similar situation. You can even be friendly with those who've wronged you, but keep in mind what they've done. Life is a cycle. You never know when they'll pull the same shit on you, so be prepared and learn from the past. 

Lesson Five. God is a comfort we forget to indulge in. Don't forget to speak to your Creator. No matter your religion. No matter what your idea of God is. Speak to Him/Her/IT. You'll feel comforted knowing that there IS a greater power out there and that this world isn't just a chaotic sandbox. It is selfish to think that we're the greatest beings out there. Not all that is in existence can be seen with the naked eye. Sometimes seeing with your heart gives you the clearest vision. Use your heart's ability to see and give your eyes a rest from time to time. Let your soul find comfort in its Creator. 

Lesson Six: Don't argue with people who are obviously not willing to listen. State facts. Then walk away like a boss. Do this whenever you feel like you're digging yourself into a deep hole that will just keep getting deeper with every stupid remark your opponent makes. I've learned this by arguing for the sake of one of my most valued beliefs; feminism. Believe it or not there are many males and females out there who have yet to actually understand the concept of "equality between the sexes". They think it means giving all women gender reassignment surgeries. Lol, right? So yea. Don't argue with people who don't know what they're talking about. Like I said, state facts, and let them bark up a tree. You won't be there to hear it. 

Lesson Seven: Politicians are all the same, for the most part. They want your vote and they want your money but have very little to offer in return. Be careful when voting. Be careful when donating. Be careful when volunteering for their campaigns, if you choose to. Keep an eye out for their contradictory behavior. They say a lot and do very little. Sometimes it's not their fault but the fault of the whole governing system. If YOU want change then YOU do something about it. Don't wait for politicians to do jack shit. Because they won't. 

Lesson Eight: Racism is still a thing and will most probably forever stay a thing. And this isn't just white and black. It's every single race, religion, skin color, sexual orientation, nationality, etc etc etc... Humans have a tendency to be closed minded. It has gotten better, but it is naive to think racism will ever be completely eliminated. De jure? Yes for sure. De facto, nope. Won't happen. 

Lesson Nine: Religion and faith are not, and will never be the same. You can have one and not the other. You can have religion but lack faith. You can have faith and choose not to have religion. Religion is an establishment set by people to control faith. Faith is meant to be between you and your Lord. The moment you feel like there's a third party is when it becomes religion.  If you choose to be part of a religion, make sure that YOU have reasons for being part of that establishment. But again, if you feel like there are people influencing your decisions and that others' opinions have become more important to you than your actual faith then back track and ask YOURSELF why you believe in what you do. Don't let anything discourage you from having faith. Especially not people around you. 

Lesson Ten: Love is the most beautiful feeling you can ever have. If you have it, keep it. But never let yourself be hurt by it. It's beautiful when it's easy. When the person you love is willing to work with you and not against you. When they want your happiness and you want theirs. Love is beautiful when it's pure. Don't waste your time on bootlegged love. You're the best. The person you love is the best. Make sure that the love you give, and receive, is the best too. 

Those are all the lessons I can think of off the top of my head. Hope everyone has a blessed new year. And as always, peace and much love to y'all ❤️

The Void

I feel so empty. Like there's a void in me and it's sucking me in. A dark void. A hole. Emptiness. 

I've been praying to God lately. Trying to rekindle a relationship I've lost with my Lord. He understands me best I'm sure. I cry to Him. I plead with Him. I am selfish. I ask for forgiveness after I realize how much I've sinned but forget Him in the act of sinning. I say to myself "I'm human" and "He gave me the urge to sin so why is He mad". But then in the middle of the night when I'm alone, I wake up from bad dreams. It's my soul telling me she needs her Creator. And so I've listened to her. I need my Creator too. I need His approval. His mercy. His compassion. 

But I also need love. To me, love is defined as "a void". We either fill it, or we live with it being empty. I've had both. I've had a great love. The void was full. It illuminated my existence. Till it became destructive. Till it got so big, it ate all that surrounded it. Consumed me whole and then I wasn't there anymore. I had changed completely. And on one night, just as quickly as it had been filled, the void combusted. It emptied itself out and there I was. Empty again. Trying to rebuild what had been lost. Putting back the pieces consumed by this love so that I can be somewhat whole again. 

But love is a void. No matter how you go around it, its absence leaves you empty. Forever anxious for its reappearance. People say if you're good with your Creator, the void isn't so bad. You occupy yourself with that which is greater than the love of a human. You give your love to God Himself. But even God Himself created Adam and Eve for one another. He could've easily had Adam live off the love of The Devine. Yet, that is not the case and that has not been how humanity has sustained its growth. 

So as I rebuild my relationship with God and as I try to rebuild myself, I've come to realize I can no longer deny that within me, there's a void waiting to be filled. That there's always something missing. Something that could be better. An itch I can never stop scratching. It's that extra pinch of salt you want add to your food to make it just right.... But you can't have it. At least not yet. 

Love is a void. We either fill it, or get used to living with it being empty until it is filled again. 

A Taste of Reality

I need God and I need myself

Safe to say I'm done needing any body else

Yea people good to have but they ain't been but shit to me

Only got a couple friends that are close to me

Others claiming they know me well but don't know the rest of it

Guess it's my fault for acting desperate

Like I needed them and their input in my life

Well the hell with it

And the hell with you and the rest of them

You open up a little and they tear you apart

Good thing I stopped giving them shits my heart

That muscle been under lock and key Ever since the day my first love left me

Taught me a lesson I won't forget

Told me life's got no room for tears and regret

So if you're a mistake I made I'll bless you with my prayers

And if God don't listen then take it up with Him

And while you're there ask Him what's up with the trials he has me facing

Ask him why since the day RBlue left me it's been like I'm trynna replace him

Looking for the same affection in all the wrong places

Meaning I made dumb decisions that don't match my character

Still I ask God for forgiveness and heaven in the hereafter

I just want peace, happiness and uncontested laughter

Or maybe it's him that I'm still after

But by the looks of it my soul far too tarnished

Probably won't be able to love again

Je suis désolée excuse my harshness

But when I was innocent the world shitted on me

Now it's my turn to take a dump but that shit's scary

Cuz if I freeze my heart I'm afraid it won't be thawed out

Maybe that's the price I have to pay to protect myself

Love is but a fairy tale and unfortunately I ain't no sleeping beauty

That's why it's like I have these dark circles tattooed on me 

I get angry with life

Angry with God

Angry with you

My fault for not listening even though every word my momma said been true

Now all I have is this chaos to deal with

I been a mess

You just got to witness 

To The World (if you get the hint)

Sometimes you just gotta say screw it. This is who I am and if you ain't rockin with me then that's your loss. Not mine. I'm not even gonna edit this post. This is gonna be my thoughts just as they are in the order they come in. Read it and weep. Or rejoice. 

I cannot explain how the looks of disappointment I get from some of the closest people to me affect me. Or used to affect me. Feeling like I'm not good enough. Not smart enough. Religious enough. Interesting enough. Lovable enough. And to be honest I still feel like shit about it sometimes when I see people looking at me like "damn you changed", but at the same time if you ain't changing then you're not growing up. Yea I'm not who I am when I was 18. And guess what? That's cuz I'm NOT 18 anymore, so why do people expect me to stay the same? 

My parents say I'm not as "good" as I used to be. My friends think I'm not as happy. My siblings don't look at me the same. I don't look at me the same. For the longest time I tried to fix myself. Make myself something I'm not so that the people around me don't have to be disappointed every time they look at me. Like Nahla why don't you wear hijab like you used to? Nahla why don't you laugh like you used to? Why ain't you talking like you used to?

My answer? Cuz I used to do the shit people wanted to see, either it was my parents or siblings or whoever else was influencing me. Now I'm doing me and I don't needa do nothing more than that. My values stay the same. My core beliefs have stayed the same and probably will unless there's overwhelming evidence against them. My sky is still blue, people just seeing different clouds now. 

After realizing that I'm good how I am, and that improving doesn't have to mean changing to please others, I realized what I wanna live for. I want to dedicate my life to fighting for other people's right to be who they truly are. Especially women and young girls. We as a gender have been pressured to fit so many societal standards. A woman is never good enough, so society says. Not skinny enough but not curvy enough. We're not smart enough. Not religious enough. Not proper enough. Not sexy enough. Not wearing enough clothes. Not showing off our bodies enough. It's like we ain't ever good enough and we're always missing an element that would make us better. And even when we grab ahold of that element we gotta shoot for another higher star so we can keep up with the standards society sets. 

My opinion on that is simply "fuck society". I don't care if my whole life is a war against unrealistic standards and looks of disappointment. I will be who I want to be. Who my heart and mind lead me to be. If the people around me can't trust that who I want to be is good enough then that's their problem I guess. I am done living my life in the never ending cycle of pleasing others. I am done skewing my beliefs to fit what the people around me believe to be "right" and I wanna see other women and men living up to THEIR standards and living based off of THEIR beliefs and not those of others. 

That will be my message. 

C'est tout et #respecttheriot ✌️