The Void

I feel so empty. Like there's a void in me and it's sucking me in. A dark void. A hole. Emptiness. 

I've been praying to God lately. Trying to rekindle a relationship I've lost with my Lord. He understands me best I'm sure. I cry to Him. I plead with Him. I am selfish. I ask for forgiveness after I realize how much I've sinned but forget Him in the act of sinning. I say to myself "I'm human" and "He gave me the urge to sin so why is He mad". But then in the middle of the night when I'm alone, I wake up from bad dreams. It's my soul telling me she needs her Creator. And so I've listened to her. I need my Creator too. I need His approval. His mercy. His compassion. 

But I also need love. To me, love is defined as "a void". We either fill it, or we live with it being empty. I've had both. I've had a great love. The void was full. It illuminated my existence. Till it became destructive. Till it got so big, it ate all that surrounded it. Consumed me whole and then I wasn't there anymore. I had changed completely. And on one night, just as quickly as it had been filled, the void combusted. It emptied itself out and there I was. Empty again. Trying to rebuild what had been lost. Putting back the pieces consumed by this love so that I can be somewhat whole again. 

But love is a void. No matter how you go around it, its absence leaves you empty. Forever anxious for its reappearance. People say if you're good with your Creator, the void isn't so bad. You occupy yourself with that which is greater than the love of a human. You give your love to God Himself. But even God Himself created Adam and Eve for one another. He could've easily had Adam live off the love of The Devine. Yet, that is not the case and that has not been how humanity has sustained its growth. 

So as I rebuild my relationship with God and as I try to rebuild myself, I've come to realize I can no longer deny that within me, there's a void waiting to be filled. That there's always something missing. Something that could be better. An itch I can never stop scratching. It's that extra pinch of salt you want add to your food to make it just right.... But you can't have it. At least not yet. 

Love is a void. We either fill it, or get used to living with it being empty until it is filled again. 

A Taste of Reality

I need God and I need myself

Safe to say I'm done needing any body else

Yea people good to have but they ain't been but shit to me

Only got a couple friends that are close to me

Others claiming they know me well but don't know the rest of it

Guess it's my fault for acting desperate

Like I needed them and their input in my life

Well the hell with it

And the hell with you and the rest of them

You open up a little and they tear you apart

Good thing I stopped giving them shits my heart

That muscle been under lock and key Ever since the day my first love left me

Taught me a lesson I won't forget

Told me life's got no room for tears and regret

So if you're a mistake I made I'll bless you with my prayers

And if God don't listen then take it up with Him

And while you're there ask Him what's up with the trials he has me facing

Ask him why since the day RBlue left me it's been like I'm trynna replace him

Looking for the same affection in all the wrong places

Meaning I made dumb decisions that don't match my character

Still I ask God for forgiveness and heaven in the hereafter

I just want peace, happiness and uncontested laughter

Or maybe it's him that I'm still after

But by the looks of it my soul far too tarnished

Probably won't be able to love again

Je suis désolée excuse my harshness

But when I was innocent the world shitted on me

Now it's my turn to take a dump but that shit's scary

Cuz if I freeze my heart I'm afraid it won't be thawed out

Maybe that's the price I have to pay to protect myself

Love is but a fairy tale and unfortunately I ain't no sleeping beauty

That's why it's like I have these dark circles tattooed on me 

I get angry with life

Angry with God

Angry with you

My fault for not listening even though every word my momma said been true

Now all I have is this chaos to deal with

I been a mess

You just got to witness