A Month Later

The tears that took me to sleep still stain my cheeks

The mascara still on my pillow case

From a month ago when you left forever

When I was made to feel easy to replace

A month later and I’m still wondering how your heart could betray me so

As if my love to you was worthless, nothing

You ask why it’s hard for me to let go

Tell a child their imaginary friend is and was never real

Such was the place I held for you

Perfection only my imagination could create and love only Disney characters knew

A month later and I still dream

Hope

Wonder

A month later and still ink, tears and blood have spilled for you

But it was only a summer’s dream extended too far

Sweet lies freckled with unseen truths

The reason behind your sudden goodbye

A summer’s dream, a summer’s dream….

A month ago when I realized the warmth I felt embraced by was never more than ice,

A glacier I had failed to see,

Now a month later I realize the devil wears the best disguise

No. The devil wasn’t you. 

The devil was love that came to me so pure

But still a month later and it’s still hard to believe this love wasn’t true

Those words you said

The pain you caused

My love was strong enough to endure

A month later my prayer is still maybe one day

I still say inshallah and I know he’s not so bad

While I sit to ponder

Wonder

Was it all a waste?

Those feelings I gave to you?

Should I regret that summer’s day?

That winter love?

Followed by a spring’s decay?

A month later and enough for you isn’t anywhere near enough for me

And I’m left with the knowledge that I gave my first love to you

That my innocence was pried away from my heart

As forcefully as flowers bloom

A month later and sometimes I can’t help but think you weren’t worth the effort

Said forever but forever ended way too soon

With memories I’ll never forget of the darkness you forced me into

Tunnels with no end in sight

Because a month later I can swear my love is true

And all I have is we didn’t see eye to eye and my heart told me to leave you behind

It was a summer’s dream

And you became its nightmare

A nightmare so sweet I can’t seem to let it go

So how can you blame me for loving you?

Wasn’t that the point all along?

But a month later I see my emotions are still as strong as fourteen months ago

While yours cower in comparison with proof in the words you speak

A month later and my love’s still yours to keep

While yours has fled to lands I only reach when I close my eyes to sleep

A month later and I still can’t accept this goodbye

A month later...

4 am

It's 4 am somewhere in my head

A land I go to for comfort

It's 4 am whenever I lay in bed

Awake because my dreams are too real they push me back to reality 

It's 4 am when I wake to think what could've I done different 

It seems I was a plague to be rid of...

It's 4 am when I realize it won't ever be the same

It's 4 am when I look up to God to ask Him why with tears in my eyes

It's 4 am when I lose my religion 

Because it's faith that got me here

It's 4 am when I look at my phone to check the time 

Still 4 am

It's always 4 am somewhere in my head 

Regaining Myself

I don’t need to explain myself, but I will share my thoughts with y’all because that’s just what I do.

I’ve been going through a tough experience. If you follow me on any social media site you probably got the hint. I lost someone who meant a lot to me, and no, nobody died. As a result, I lost sight of myself. I lost sight of my own happiness. I put others above myself and was taken for granted. I blame myself. I blame my openness with people. I blame myself for believing that promises weren’t actually meant to be broken and I blame myself for being innocent in a world that crushes any sense of humanity out of humans. I blame myself.

The problem isn’t what happened to me, but the effect it had on my confidence, my happiness, and my self-respect. I’m not a stupid girl. Actually, let me rephrase that, I’m not a stupid woman. I’m just a young woman, learning, growing and maturing with every experience I go through. Crazy right? People might judge me and I stopped caring quite frankly. “You don’t know what I been through!” Every person copes differently with the struggles they go through. I can’t judge a person and say one way of coping is right or wrong, so neither should anyone sit and point fingers at me. But again, do I expect people to be nonjudgmental? No. Do I expect there to be fake people who will smile in my face and slander me in my absence? Yes. But it doesn’t matter anymore because I can’t change the fact that somebody has so much time on their hands that my problems become their conversation.

That being said, I’m starting to realize the importance of seclusion. I won’t become an introvert, but I won’t approach people thinking they’re kind hearted and have my best interest in mind. People hardly ever have your best interest in mind and if you haven’t realized that yet, take it from someone who’s learned the hard way. I’m going to continue blogging and sharing my thoughts and posting whatever it is that my mind feels I need to share, but I won’t allow people to get close to me. My individuality, my life, my feelings, aren’t things that people should readily have access to. This doesn’t mean I’ll be rude to people or coldhearted, I’ll just start keeping to myself. I’ll focus on myself. It’s safer.

And with that…

Peace and much love to y’all  

Express Yourself

I've been told that being emotional is a sign of weakness, especially if you're showing those emotions on social media. If you tweet something emotional, or post something on Instagram that's not the "norm" you'll be looked at as strange or attention seeking. What some people fail to realize is that those emotional tweets or Instagram posts aren't for others to judge. People can like them and agree with you, but if you tweet so people can follow you, then that's a whole other issue. 

I use social media as a window to my thoughts. I'm not scared of putting my feelings out there. Not scared of expressing myself no matter how people will view me. So go ahead, assume and speculate, but I'll never stop being the only Nahla. Because there's never going to be another me. Nobody will experience life the way I do, so what I share with the world is just another perspective. It's not a sign of weakness. You don't have to agree, but you have to respect other people's freedom of expression. 

C'est tout.

Much peace and love to y'all 

Treasure

Look at me and tell me what you see 

Mirrors on walls that intricately describe my physical

These clothes that hug my curves and those arms that deliver my soul

All part of a person life tried to console 

A treasure within me 

Can you see my heart through my reflection?

A treasure within me that results in all pleasures this world can give me 

What do you see? 

I see a mouth that speaks iridescence 

Like rainbows on rainy days 

I am the conflict in your peace

I am the branch in your way

You will listen

My words will not be ignored

And torn from me like a child from her mother's embrace 

I am the woman who came to this world and got lost along the way 

I am the cloud that traveled and covered the sun's harmful rays

I am human

So tell me what you see in the mirror when only my reflection shows

Cold nights in December along with late March woes 

I am a product of the words I hear and images I see

I am a product of the emotions this world forced me to feel

These clothes that cover my skin can never hide the woman that I am

Such as that my curves show through these worldly materials 

My thoughts will radiate off my mental

And my eyes will open up my soul so that you see the woman within

I've been very inspired to write more lately whether it's poetry, regular blog posts or articles for my school. I hope that y'all enjoy my self expression, or at least appreciate that I have found a way to create a unique voice for myself.

Much peace and love to all y'all :)

Confessions on the couch

I'm lost. Lost in a maze to which there is no end in sight. I hear voices around me. I see people. But I'm not listening. I'm not looking. The only real feelings I have are tied to a person who took off. And so I'm lost within my own mind, the days stretching out in front of me. Time is no longer linear. Time is a paper on which ink travels. Swirls. Random words pieced together. A plane through which I can travel but only in my mind. I can go back to the beginning. Steer my way to the present. Make my way up to the future. But never am I in reality even while traveling through present time. My mind wanders to memories I find comfort in and only my eyes realize that I'm no longer in the past because all I see is stone cold faces. People that'll never understand just how much he meant to me. And upon this realization, my eyes provide me with the most inconvenient reminder of my sense of misdirection. Tears. A dead giveaway. A clear signal that I'm nowhere near ok. But just as graffiti hides plain walls, my hands slowly make their way to my eyes to hide my tears. I'm not weak. I just fell in love with the wrong person.

Ghosts

There's no escape from this reality

I cry even in my dreams

Call your name to see your face

I've gone to both extremes

Writing poetry to ease my mind

My smile isn't what it seems

And there's a mess inside that I can't hide with flowery talk and flirtation 

Dreams and aspirations written in rhythm and rhyme 

Still have those for my memory 

Words I cemented in time 

Loyal to the verses you wrote me 

It's what got me interested in all honesty 

Now you use those same words against me 

And I love you

Sadly I still do

But with time I guess I'll forget

The man I loved the most

Burn those poems in a bonfire

And watch as their ashes transform into ghosts 

List of things I want to do by the age of 35

• Get a Ph.D

• Go to France and be able to speak French fluently 

• Land a job in DC for the government or a women's right organization 

• Travel to all major cities in the U.S

• Play the violin

• Change someone's life for the better even if by doing something small

• Adopt a child (whether I'm married or not) 

• Go to a Beyoncé concert and meet her 

• Fall in love with the RIGHT person 

• Visit both my grandfathers' graves... Something I'm really terrified of doing