To The World (if you get the hint)

Sometimes you just gotta say screw it. This is who I am and if you ain't rockin with me then that's your loss. Not mine. I'm not even gonna edit this post. This is gonna be my thoughts just as they are in the order they come in. Read it and weep. Or rejoice. 

I cannot explain how the looks of disappointment I get from some of the closest people to me affect me. Or used to affect me. Feeling like I'm not good enough. Not smart enough. Religious enough. Interesting enough. Lovable enough. And to be honest I still feel like shit about it sometimes when I see people looking at me like "damn you changed", but at the same time if you ain't changing then you're not growing up. Yea I'm not who I am when I was 18. And guess what? That's cuz I'm NOT 18 anymore, so why do people expect me to stay the same? 

My parents say I'm not as "good" as I used to be. My friends think I'm not as happy. My siblings don't look at me the same. I don't look at me the same. For the longest time I tried to fix myself. Make myself something I'm not so that the people around me don't have to be disappointed every time they look at me. Like Nahla why don't you wear hijab like you used to? Nahla why don't you laugh like you used to? Why ain't you talking like you used to?

My answer? Cuz I used to do the shit people wanted to see, either it was my parents or siblings or whoever else was influencing me. Now I'm doing me and I don't needa do nothing more than that. My values stay the same. My core beliefs have stayed the same and probably will unless there's overwhelming evidence against them. My sky is still blue, people just seeing different clouds now. 

After realizing that I'm good how I am, and that improving doesn't have to mean changing to please others, I realized what I wanna live for. I want to dedicate my life to fighting for other people's right to be who they truly are. Especially women and young girls. We as a gender have been pressured to fit so many societal standards. A woman is never good enough, so society says. Not skinny enough but not curvy enough. We're not smart enough. Not religious enough. Not proper enough. Not sexy enough. Not wearing enough clothes. Not showing off our bodies enough. It's like we ain't ever good enough and we're always missing an element that would make us better. And even when we grab ahold of that element we gotta shoot for another higher star so we can keep up with the standards society sets. 

My opinion on that is simply "fuck society". I don't care if my whole life is a war against unrealistic standards and looks of disappointment. I will be who I want to be. Who my heart and mind lead me to be. If the people around me can't trust that who I want to be is good enough then that's their problem I guess. I am done living my life in the never ending cycle of pleasing others. I am done skewing my beliefs to fit what the people around me believe to be "right" and I wanna see other women and men living up to THEIR standards and living based off of THEIR beliefs and not those of others. 

That will be my message. 

C'est tout et #respecttheriot ✌️